Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
