Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
