Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
