I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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