Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
there is glitter all over my balls
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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