he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
