it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
