4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
