I think my vagina is haunted
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Less talking, more tequila
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think my moral compass just broke
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