It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
