I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
