Michael Bay diarrhea
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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