Can Purell be used as lube?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
