Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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