I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
