even my farts smell like vagina
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
