Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize