I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
