It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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