he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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