If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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