Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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