I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize