I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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