The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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