Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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