you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
