proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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