I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
