...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
