just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
