Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dear god my vagina.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
