Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
