Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
