Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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