I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
