I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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