Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
