It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
