I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
