R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
