a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
