I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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