Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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