I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
