Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
