You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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