Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
