I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
