Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
