I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
