I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
