my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
