my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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