She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
