just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I think my moral compass just broke
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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