Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
