Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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