The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
