i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
