Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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