I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
