I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
