she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
