if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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