Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
