My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
