My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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