forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
