The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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