Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Can you bring me the toilet please
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
